Dealing with negative people is challenging, whether it is in a group setting or one to one. It requires a combination of empathy, tact, patience (often a lot!) and clarity.
Following are a few suggestions to help you turn that energy around and find a silver lining. Experiment – use what feels right. Take good care of yourself throughout a conversation; ‘Float’ and stay calm – their negative energy does not belong to you.
1. Acknowledge their feelings.
This is an important first step. Until an individual feels acknowledged and heard, they will definitely not be open to change. It can be as simple as: “Wow. It sounds like you are feeling discouraged.” If this is 3rd or 4th time, add: “That must be so hard, – I’m sure you’d rather talk about something happier in your life! What else is going on?”
2. Ask a question around finding a solution.
This can help redirect the energy in a positive direction. “I’m sorry to hear that. What do you think could make this better for you?” or “Did anything good come of the situation?” or “How do you usually handle that?” While the actual situation may be beyond their control, their acceptance of it is. If truly stuck and you are in a group, ask if they are open to group suggestions.
3. Offer a ‘reframing’.
Reframing is a way to change our perspective on something troubling us. If the individual is not open to a solution, they may be open to seeing it in a new way. Try this: “I can see this is tough, but could it also be an opportunity?” Invite the group to help.
4. Invite sharing on gratitude or a silver lining quote.
This can help to shift energy. “Is there something good about this, however small?” Not everyone is willing to do this, but it is worth a try! Or invite someone to read one of the quotes. Repeat it and then invite them to think about a real life example of that. See below for list of ideas.
5. Model positive energy.
Give an example of how you’ve shifted your perspective on negative events. “I’ve found that focusing on things I can control, helps me stay positive.” (give a real example)
6. Engage them in helping with the group.
If in a group setting, invite the person to help. Keep them close by so you can offer specific tasks, e.g., reading the welcome, putting things away after. etc. During the group, ask for advice: “What advice would you give someone with this problem?”
7. Offer a “safe exit”.
Here’s a few ways to exit kindly. “Wow, you sure have a lot going on. Let’s pause and revisit this later.” Or: “You have a lot on your mind – thank you.” Or try interrupting by giving the table a little ‘wap’, putting your hand up and saying “Wow, that is sure something! Let’s ask see what the others have to share on our topic today.” And immediately turn away from them to invite someone else to share. Perhaps add another guideline for your group, e.g., “We avoid negative comments, interrupting or diminishing other participants’ comments.”
8. Use humor.
At times, humor can diffuse a tense situation, if used in a sensitive way. Poking fun at ourselves is one effective way to do that (see attached).
If none of the previous ways appear to help …
9. Ask for time to talk after the group.
If the problem is not going away, ask them to meet privately after the group. Talk about your concerns there so it doesn’t embarrass them in front of the group.
– Share how their negative comments feel for you (use “I” statements). Stay away from accusatory language (e.g., “You are always negative”). We don’t want to shame people. Be specific. “When I hear you talk about all that is negative, I start to feel negative too.”
– It is OK to talk about problems, but too long is hard on the group.
– Discuss the guidelines (supporting others, loving kindness, etc.) Depending on the situation, ask if they can consider focusing on solutions rather than only problems, (or to stop talking too long, interrupting others, dismissing concerns, etc.)
– Persistent negativity is often a sign of deeper problems. If it feels appropriate, privately suggest counselling with a social worker or mental health specialist.
For the well-being of the whole group, take care not too wait too long. Use your judgement. If the challenge continues, consider moving on to number 10.
10. Time out (protecting the safety of a group).
As a group facilitator it is important to protect the safety of the group. A time out is a compassionate response to a negative individual who continues to upset the group’s positive energy. Ask the group to take a time out and talk to the individual privately. Be kind, firm and if there is no change, ask them to stop attending the group. Suggest an alternative group or activities to attend that might suit them better.
POKING FUN AT OURSELVES
Poking fun at ourselves in a positive way can lighten the mood of a negative situation – when it is done in a sensitive way. We all feel negative at times.
Why it works:
– it shows self-awareness and a willingness to grow;
– it can diffuse or shift tense moments;
– it makes space for others to acknowledge this tendency too;
– it invites connection, rather than pushing individuals away;
– it makes you relatable.
Choose one or two that you find funny. Add your own. Practice, practice!
Poking fun at our negativity
“I’ve decided to be more positive … starting tomorrow!”
“The good news is, I know I’m being negative. The bad news is, I’m really good at it!”
“If there’s a downside, don’t worry—I’ll find it for you!”
“I’m not a problem-solver. I’m a problem-spotter extraordinaire.”
“Why settle for a small problem when you can turn it into a full-blown crisis?”
“I don’t just see the glass as half empty—I just wonder who drank the other half!”
“I like to think of myself as a professional catastrophizer—it’s a gift, really.”
Poking fun at our other traits
“I’d forget my own name if it weren’t on my driver’s license!”
“I’m not perfect, but I’m perfectly good at messing things up!”
“I’m not perfect, but that’s what makes me fun at parties!”
“If there’s a way to drop it, spill it, or knock it over, I’ll find it!”
“Well, they say practice makes perfect. I guess I need a LOT more practice!”
“I have a seafood diet: I see food, and I eat it.”
“I have two left feet—and I’m not even left-handed!”
“I don’t just march to the beat of my own drum—I trip over it too!”
“I’m like a diamond—flawed, but still shiny!”
SILVER LINING QUOTES
“Difficulties in life are intended to make us better, not bitter.”
– Dan Reeves
“Difficulties in life are intended to make us better, not bitter.”
– Dan Reeves
“Difficulties in life are intended to make us better, not bitter.”
– Dan Reeves
“Difficulties in life are intended to make us better, not bitter.”
– Dan Reeves
“Difficulties in life are intended to make us better, not bitter.”
– Dan Reeves
“Difficulties in life are intended to make us better, not bitter.”
– Dan Reeves
“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” – Desmond Tutu
“Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise.”
– Victor Hugo
“Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise.”
– Victor Hugo
Submitted by Kristine Theurer, PhD