Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most. – Ashleigh Brilliant
People say unkind things for different reasons. It does not mean they are a ‘bad’ person. They can be dealing with fears, insecurity, or past trauma. Whatever the reason, unkind behaviour affects others and reduces trust.
It is important to respond with firmness, set boundaries, but also have empathy and understanding (1). If we react in kind, that only makes things worse. If you are a group leader, your behaviour is a model for others and it is important to address the behaviour.
When you hear someone say something mean, it is helpful to respond quickly but keep calm and be kind (2). That is not always easy, but if we stay firm and positive we are not taking on the same attitude. In that way we are the most helpful to ourselves and them. Here are some suggestions that might be helpful in your situation. Use words that work for you.
- Ask a question about the comment to let them know you noticed.
At times people don’t realize their comment may be perceived as unkind. Pause the group to prevent it going unnoticed (hold up your hand like a stop sign) and turn your attention to address the person. Say something like: “I’m feeling uncomfortable about what you just said. I’d like to remind us all about our group guidelines: We are here to support one another”. If the person doesn’t retract or apologize for the comment, ask them after the group to meet with you. - Offer empathy.
Sometimes the person is having a bad day or is under stress. A simple comment like “Are you having a bad day?” can help diffuse the tension and break a cycle of behavior. - Ensure inclusiveness and safety.
It is important to protect the sanctity of the group so that everyone feels welcome, including the person who made the comment. Responding to unkind comments respectfully helps to maintain an inclusive and safe space. - Suggest other groups that may be a better fit.
If, after meeting with the person to discuss, there is no agreement to change the behaviour, consider suggesting another activity that may be a better fit for them. Asking a person to leave a group is a last resort but sometimes necessary. This may need support of others you work with, but can result in a change in behaviour needed.
References
(1) https://www.enotalone.com/article/mental-health/12-tips-to-handle-mean-people-and-understand-their-psychology-r13513/
(2) https://www.powerofpositivity.com/mean-people-comebacks/
For more reading: Rosenberg, M.B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships
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